Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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