Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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