Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
