my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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