i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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