Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
