Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
