i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
