Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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