Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
