What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I still have a little drunk in my system
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
