How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
