I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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