Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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