I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We named our party play list daddy issues
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
