That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
