I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
