Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
