Will you blow on my dice?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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