my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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