just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
