Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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