She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
