I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
