I just pynch a tree in the face
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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