Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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