i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
