True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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