Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
