it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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