you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
