just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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