there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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