If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
