I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
