i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
