I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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