so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
