he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
