I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
