Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
please come you make the beer taste better
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
