he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
