ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
