I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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