May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
