Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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