I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
