i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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