His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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