I just threw up on my dentist
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I believe in your delicious
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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